Today, we’re going to talk about trichotillomania during terrible events. I don’t want to sound negative, but sooner or later, we all have to deal with setbacks in life. There's no one with a life that has no setbacks. Where everything goes perfectly fine, there’s 0 stress, and where everything goes to plan. No. Sometimes life really hits you in the face. This can be something terrible that happens within your family, this can be at work, it can be anything. So we can’t avoid these things happening.

How to react on setbacks

But what we can do is work on how we react to these setbacks and how we deal with them.

Let me give you an example.

Say, we have an alcoholic father with heavy alcohol consumption. That’s already not a healthy lifestyle, but the terrible event here is that he died because of being an alcoholic. He left 2 sons behind, Mike and John. Mike says: ‘’Well, I have an alcoholic father, so I can’t help it when I drink. It runs in my family. And it’s how I deal with the loss of my father.’’ And John says: ‘’My father has been an alcoholic. I’ve seen how it affected him, and I won’t let that happen to me. I want to be there for my kids, grandchildren, and I want to live as healthy as possible.’’

Do you see how you can have 2 completely different situations?

Mike plays the victim role, whereas John uses this event to make drastic changes in his life. He uses it as a lesson, that shows him what he exactly doesn't want to happen to himself. He actively works on preventing the same thing from happening to him. 

So what this example shows you, is that how you deal and react to terrible events and situations in general, makes all the difference. Of course, you can’t simply be a happy clappy person when terrible events happen to you. It’s not that simple. But what I’m saying is that you can first work on effectively processing it, and then on how you’re going to deal with the situation. That’s all your choice. 

Many people put terrible things under the carpet. Or they don’t work through it and are left for years with trapped emotions. And even worse, they let it impact their lives so much that it doesn’t feel within their control anymore and they actually suffer unnecessary from it.

So this is a huge lesson, and it’s been one of my biggest lessons in life.

We can’t control our circumstances, but we can always control how we react on it - and deal with them.

It’s the same as your thoughts. You maybe can’t control your first thought, but you can always control your second thought.

Now, how do you deal with these terrible events without pulling your hair out like crazy - because it’s your way to cope with such things?

I have a few tips for you.

First of all, is to acknowledge and validate your emotions.

When a terrible event happens, there are lots of emotions that are going to arise. And that’s part of being human. You're not a robot. So, what are you going to do with these emotions? Maybe you experience sadness, anger, fear, or even confusion. Are you going to suppress them or deny them? Or do you allow yourself to experience and process them? 

Recognize that these emotions are normal responses to distressing situations, too. As I said, we’re humans. Validate your emotions where you give yourself permission to feel and express what you’re going through without judgment or criticism. Treat your emotions with kindness, compassion, and understanding. Give yourself the space to process and explore them, instead of denying or suppressing them. 

And you know what? This process of acceptance and understanding is essential for emotional healing. It allows you to develop a healthier relationship with your emotions, leading to greater self-awareness, self-compassion, and overall well being. 

But, at the same time, it’s important to know that we should not always act solely based on emotions or let them dictate our actions without consideration. Emotions can be valuable sources of information, but they are not always accurate or reliable indicators of what’s best for us.

And that’s the trick, which is emotional intelligence. It’s all about understanding and managing our emotions effectively. So, when you have a strong emotional intelligence, there’s a healthy balance between rational thinking, values, and long-term goals and acknowledging your emotions. You still use your cognitive abilities to assess the situation and make informed choices - not solely based on how you feel.

Does this all make sense?

Simply said, it helps if you can allow yourself to process these emotions without judgment, and where you don’t let them dictate your actions at the same time. The more you work on this healthy balance, the easier you will deal with emotions. 

The second tip I have is to practice self-care. 

Oh there she is, telling me to care for myself. Well, yes, but do you really care for yourself? Do you know how to take proper care of yourself, especially during these moments where you need it the most? Trichotillomania is your coping mechanism. And if you tend to pull more, you truly need something that helps you to not react to it on your hair. When you feel better you are less likely to pull, right. And how do you feel better? When you fill your own cup - first. You can’t expect to live up to everyone’s expectations, of your work, of your family, when you don’t live up to your own needs. We tend to suppress ourselves or say negative trash to or about ourselves, when we wouldn’t do or say that to our loved child or pet, for example.

When you struggle with this, with listening to your own needs and caring for yourself, then here’s a great mindset shift: 

See yourself as someone you’re in charge of taking care of.

It can make all the difference. 

Prioritize activities that promote relaxation, are self-soothing, and reduce stress. Give meditation or mindfulness a try. Engage in physical exercise as this is shown to be one of the biggest leverages you can pull into your mental health. Spend time in nature to promote calmness, or engage in hobbies and activities that bring you joy. These things will help you to deal with a terrible event or life in general better, as it reduces your standard stress levels. The lower they are, the more likely you are to feel better and react to your circumstances in a healthy way. And the result? You don’t need to activate your unhealthy coping mechanism or not as much as before, which is pulling your hair. When you struggle from intensive urges, it really shows you that you need something. Your hands are trying to tell you something. So it doesn’t make sense if you experience 0 difference in the urge to pull when you put enough time in self-care activities.

The third tip I have is to utilize your coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanisms can also be seen als self-care activities. Simply said, these are all kinds of strategies and techniques that you can use to manage trichotillomania and navigate difficult emotions, stress, and challenging situations. Coping mechanisms can vary from person to person, as not everyone finds the same activities or techniques helpful in managing emotions. 

So, coping mechanisms that are also self-care activities at the same time are things like:

• Deep breathing exercises

• Progressive muscle relaxation, which works great for tension in your body as well

• Creative outlets

• Mindfulness and meditation

• Physical exercise 

But coping mechanisms can also be things like:

• Forcing yourself to think differently, where you change your perspective and focus on positive and helpful beliefs

• Solving the problem: instead of feeling overwhelmed by challenges, actively work on finding solutions and break the problem down into smaller, manageable steps, where you maybe brainstorm ideas and create a plan to tackle it

• Seek support from others, especially when you need it the most. Maybe you can find people you trust, like friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your feelings and thoughts with them can make you feel connected, understood, and less alone and it can help to process the emotions better. 

• Manage your time: if you know what to do every day, and what your priorities are, you reduce stress, feel more in control, and it helps you to stay on track.

• Take a break: when overwhelming emotions hit, allow yourself breaks during the day that takes your focus away from distressing thoughts or feelings. Yes, it’s important to address and process your emotions, but there are times when overwhelming thoughts or feelings can become too much to handle all at once. In such cases, temporarily shifting your focus away from distressing thoughts or emotions can provide relief and allow you to recharge. So you’re not ignoring it, you’re using a way to give yourself a mental break and create some space from the intensity of your feelings. It’s more like a short-term strategy to help you regain balance and gather the strength to come back to your emotions with a refreshed perspective. 

It’s all about finding what’s helpful to you and to explore coping strategies that align with your needs and preferences.

The fourth tip I have is to reflect and learn

Not only take the time to process your thoughts and emotions related to the event, but also consider keeping a journal. Many of the most successful people journal every single day and that’s for a reason. Writing things down clears your mind, reduces stress and anxiety, keeps your goals in top of your mind and activates your problem-solving mechanism - so it’s easier to find solutions for whatever it is you’re dealing with. 

And self-reflection can help you to identify triggers, patterns, and coping strategies. It allows you to learn from the vent, grow emotionally, and develop resilience. So next time when terrible events happen, you will be able to deal with them much more efficiently.

The fifth and last tip I have is to be gentle with yourself

I’m going to say this again. you’re human. Bad things and setbacks happen. Life can already be hard enough, so why make it even harder by blaming yourself or criticizing yourself? Offer yourself the compassion you need and remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation.

So these were my five tips:

1. Acknowledge and validate your emotions.

2. Practice self-care.

3. Utilize coping mechanisms.

4. Reflect and learn.

5. Be gentle with yourself.